i took this photo outside of my home at 7:55 pm yesterday. snow is a surrealizing influence. it's a pity that it's so hard to walk through when you don't have a car. couldn't get to the bus stop today, called c and he was five minutes away and he said he'd come pick me up. would die for c but we knew that. and that isn't an exaggeration. christmas presents from my children's parents. a mountain of snow on the playground so large i laughed in shock seeing it
mood: it's the winter solstice
listening to: youtube videos that don't matter
i'm hungover. my goal is to keep up a streak with my skincare routine. i'm tired. i just woke up from a three hour nap. i had my last suervised driving hour for driver's ed today. because i'm an immigrant i have to take a full driver's ed class to get a license even though i'm way over 18.
the world feels like a collection of stimuli.
listening to: laura les - haunted
woof, what a self-pitying and melodramatic journal entry that last one was! well, i'm okay, i survived, and i didn't hurt myself. i honestly don't remember what i did, i probably cried and listened to a sad song and felt bad for myself until i felt better. i also talked to c about the whole issue the next day, and he put things in perspective a lot. it's not that i need to change the way i express my opinion in every single situation, changing myself at the core; it's more like, i need to change how i talk around this one specific person. WAY more doable.
i don't really feel like writing out a full length journal entry today, but i've been really productive today and i have a lot of energy for going back to work tomorrow. showering! hung-up clothes! skincare routine even! maybe the wellbutrin is working? i miss my kids so much, i dreamed about them last night. i can't wait to see the look on their faces when i show up tomorrow morning.
listening to: guess what, it's jrose11 again
ever since making yesterday's post where i shared my opinion about the karen russell story i've been filled with an intermittent sense of guilt and dread because i expressed an opinion again. back when b and i talked in october she told me one of the reasons she needed space from me was that i express my opinions in a way that is harmful to others and in a way that makes others feel bad if they disagree with me. so i've been isolating myself from our friend group at large while i try to work out how to express myself differently, because i don't want to express any opinions in the meantime, but pretty much all we talk about in that friend group is our opinions, which, most of the friend group all has similar opinions except for two of us, me and this one other guy s, and so we've both had b have issues with us. i know that my opinions are bad and what i think is bad and no one thinks the same way i do and no one wants to hear it because the way i am hurts people, i'm aware of that, that's why this blog has been really helpful for me, because i can pretend no one's reading it, and really no one is. the thing is when it comes to moral issues i get very passionate and i feel like not expressing myself passionately is lying. which wouldn't be so bad but philosophically i view almost everything as a moral issue, that's the problem i think. that's why i'm so opinionated. if i could stop seeing everything as a moral issue i could stop being so judgmental about people's opinions.
i hate expressing my opinions and beliefs. i'm only ever met with confusion and disagreement. i don't want to believe anything anymore. it just causes pain. i listened to them play d&d for 5 hours on the discord call without me, just listening, because i didn't want to open my stupid fucking idiot waste of a mouth and hurt b by talking. i get so anxious thinking about interacting with everyone when she's present. i had her muted and her camera turned off and that's the only way i was able to get through it. i'm letting my idiot shit brain get in the way of our friendship. p asked me why i hadnt been in the group chat and i told her.
i'm such a useless garbage piece of shit waste of life. i shouldn't be posting this. i shouldn't have a blog. i want to hurt myself.
edit: im fine
i went to covid tested today. i had to stand in the cold and it was a whole ordeal, but i was negative! so that's good. i have to go back and pick up proof of my results tomorrow.
i just read reeling for the empire by karen russell. i've had her book of short stories vampires in the lemon grove for the longest time and like not read any of it because i'm stupid, lol.
anyway i kind of get why people criticize karen russell now. up until this point everything i've ever read by her has just been one slam fuckin dunk after another, but man, i'm not sure how tone-deaf you gotta be to, as a white author, look at a story concept like "young enslaved female mill workers in meiji era japan are magically transformed into literal half-human half-silkworm monsters to ~emphasize how dehumanized and exploited they are~" and you're talking about like, japanese women, east asian women, a population that's already sooooo fetishized and condescended to and dehumanized by the colonialist white culture you're writing in, and not be like, Maybe my pasty ass is not the right person to tell this story.
it's deeper than that, i'm oversimplifying it, and i don't think that it's a story that shouldn't be told, but i think that it's a story that would be better handled by a japanese woman, not some random white lady???? like, i don't think that as a writer you can't write outside of your own experience but i feel like when you're a white author writing in this culture you need to be aware and responsible of when youre telling the story of a marginalized group for them, and i feel like this metaphor that the story revolved around was NOT it lmao.
i'm white, for context. i also don't know shit, i just go with my gut feeling constantly and i actually don't know anything, so i could be completely wrong.
aside from sucking ass in that way, the story still fucked it up as a piece of fiction, though, like it did absolutely smack in that regard, obviously, because it's karen russell. i'll probably read another karen russell short story tomorrow and hopefully it won't be bad like this one was
- olanzapine, 5mg
- fluoxetine, 40mg
- topiramate, 25mg
- bupropion, 100mg
- adderall, 50mg
my daily medication regimen was changed slightly a few days ago. i think that the bupropion is helping me do things to take care of myself, like taking two big bags of trash out of my room and washing my face and brushing my teeth at least once a day.
in case it's not obvious from my entire personal website, i am severely mentally ill and i require a lot of medication to be able to function in society. i have a complicated relationship with psychiatric medication; i've been on it since i was four years old and developed a skin-picking compulsion, and my mother, who did her best to raise me and who i love, had the fault of seeing what i now, through years of therapy without her presence, understand to be normal childhood expressions of anxiety and emotion and pathologizing them, so i was ferried from psychiatrist to therapist literally my entire life until i was 18, labeled with a different diagnosis and put on a different medication regimen each time. once i went to art school far away from my parents and started seeing a mental health professional who i could talk to without my mother being in the room, everything completely changed. it's ironic that being the victim of a mild case of psychiatric munchausen syndrome by proxy had the effect of causing me to develop actual, severe mental health problems.
i take my medication now because i think it's good for me, and i think i need it. i really have to stress that while i've succeeded in some areas of life, there are a lot of ways in which i'm still not a functioning person at all; my room is a disaster full of rotting food and trash, for instance. but living with my parents would be even worse than living alone, which is really difficult for me. at least i'm able to have a job and support myself, i think. when i was a teenager, we thought i wouldn't even be able to do that.
maybe i'll get better. i want to get better! i want to live in a clean space like i see lifestyle vloggers on pinterest and youtube live in... when i go over to someone's house and their house is clean and tidy and looks nice i'm filled with such envy. it's not that i cling to things, i have no problem throwing things out, it's just that i'm..... too lazy to clean up after myself, is how i would put it, i guess, except it's not quite laziness and more like i never have the mental energy. sort of like i'm running out of mental energy to write this entry.
i've been working on my webnovel. i love my boys!!! ive started getting sketches from the artists ive commissioned and im HOLLERING.... hopefully by the end of my quarantine ill have more work done on my novel and neat little profiles for them all filled out. i wont have time to work on it anymore when my classes start again on january 22nd.
mood: in a cycle in a helix in a spiral
WAITING FOR COMMISSIONS IS TORTURE IN THE BEST POSSIBLE WAAYAAAAYAAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAAAYYYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAAYAYAYAYAAAYYAAYAAAAAYYAAYAYAYY poggers
listening to: youtube vids about the tanacon drama from a year back
i got into toyhouse and ive been having fun making profiles for all my ocs for rose novel. i commissioned some art too... i cant wait to post it here. i made a dolls page for dolls i've made of my ocs too!! it's so exciting to take a verbal description of a character and have a visual artist bring it to life...!!!!! i missed this so much.... also it's snowing today!! and i need to reply to my emails.... that's all i've got... be safe all of you please.
im pretty sure im getting on a code geass kick again.
hi. my piss is dark yellow because ive been drinking nothing but mountain dew. ask me anything.
mood: at least i showered today?
mmmmmmmmmy workplace is shut down for 2 weeks because my coworker came in with covid
mood: fuck me
they put me in one of the infant rooms today. the morning went by completely in a flash. it's really just playing with them and getting them not to kill each other. there's no curriculum so there's nothing to do. in this room no one yells at the kids for wanting to be held like they do in preschool. i think kids deserve a lot of love from their caregivers no matter how old they are, but i don't have all my development credits yet so what do i know. i held this little girl who was crying a lot and she laid her tiny head on my chest, i don't understand why people do cocaine when they could just do this instead
c picked me up from work (it was raining really hard) and took me grocery shopping then home. we sat parked in his car outside my apartment for hours talking in the rain. about anime for a lot of it. didnt read that much today. cant find my book. i drank too much green tea too late last night and barely slept and now im very very very tired.
hot new concept that's gonna get me put in prison: a mental health support group for people with personality disorders but it markets itself as a support group for bakugo kinnies. two people die at the first meeting and im sued for malpractice. why is this so funny to me. whats wrong with me.
yknow when i was 16-19 i was in an online friend group that had a very elaborate shared psychosis that we were all the earth reincarnations of different anime and video game characters?? like not in a fun way, we all genuinely believed it and it was to the point where it was negatively impacting our lives. when that friend group cut me off for mostly unrelated reasons i had a massive breakdown and the psychiatrist i saw put me on antipsychotics for bipolar disorder but i actually think it's the antipsychotics that helped me stop believing in all that. as far as i know all those people are still friends and they still believe that. some of them have jobs and shit. is it weird that i still love them and i miss them? i'm weird and something's wrong with me what's new
mcdonalds was closed so i ordered IHOP at the last minute. i spent the day sleeping, taking a shower, getting my laundry from downstairs, and watching the first six episodes of the melancholy of haruhi suzumiya, which is all on youtube somehow, by the way. i would say "was no one going to tell me that this shit hits" but my friends have been telling me i need to watch it for forever, lol. seems like the perfect time of year to watch it too, late november/early december. i feel my molecules getting rearranged.
i'm thankful for c and for my relationships with my friends. i'm thankful for the life i've created for myself living alone by myself, which, i realized today, despite its litany of imperfections, i might love a lot. i'm thankful for having a job and for all modern conveniences. i'm thankful for my parents having done their best to raise me even though i can't be around them anymore. i'm thankful for my sister the genius. oh, and i'm thankful that we're going to have a fucking president again, and that i can maybe become an american citizen next year or something like that.
i love you, eat a donut.
mood: drank a full cup of coffee at 6pm like a fool and now can't sleep
watching: the melancholy of haruhi suzumiya
human centipede, but it's like a reverse human centipede so it's 2 people sewn together at the ass, just pooping back and forth forever.
mood: about to go to bed at 8pm
it was cold. it was a difficult day at work; the kids and i love each other but they don't listen to me, it's frustrating. i still haven't bought a new pair of gloves, i don't have the money. i studied writing through my lunch break. i was angry and bitter about b (still). i'm not sure how i'm going to make rent. i asked my landlord for an extension today and he hasn't texted me back, but he has texted the floor groupchat to say that our common area is too messy, so i'm anxious.
this was a list of complaints; i'm not at all unhappy though. i've got a four-day weekend coming up, although it's not paid. i'm going to be ordering mcdonald's on thanksgiving... lol. next year i can spend it with c and his family though!!
the fact that i'm still bitter over the b situation bothers me, but what bothers me more is the fact that i know that every time i'm face to face with her, i'll be completely unable to say anything angry or confrontational at all. i'm worried all this anger, not being expressed, is going to fester and pile up and explode out at the worst possible moment.
i'm tired. very excited for my four-day weekend, anyway. i have driving lessons two days but other than that it's all for me. i'm gonna spend it writing, reading, and working on this site, and looking at other peoples' sites too. god i love neocities. this is it, this is what 2014 tumblr gave me that i've wanted back all these years...
today i dropped my phone on the bus and my gay killugon lock screen flashed in front of god and everybody
c's okay so far, no symptoms.
stuff i wanna write about when i have time and energy:
- the situation with b
- my relationship with c
- my friend group
- my job
- my mental illness
- art school
it's 11:15 (AM) and i've been up working on my neocities site since like 9:30. worked on it literally all day yesterday. i plan to spend today mostly reading and picking up my meds from the pharmacy and doing laundry and.......... and everyone's gonna die in the next two months so what's the point, honestly.
update: i love reading books. i missed reading books. i had to experience the rest of the world for a while, but that's why we're alive, right?
update update (8:35:10 PM): can someone please, please, please, please animate the "ugh fine i guess you are my little pogchamp" audio with killua, please, im shaking and crying right now please
listening to: animal crossing soundtrack with ambient rain noise
c's brother has covid. he's young and has mild symptoms currently. i'm worried about c. i'm dissociating from it. c says not to worry and that he'll be fine. he doesn't have any high risk factors. but i'm still worried, how could i not be worried.
I BOUGHT A BOOK TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!
it is my brilliant friend, the first in the series of neapolitan novels by elena ferrante. full disclosure, we read the second book in this series in our contemporary world literature class in my final semester of art school last year, and it made me swear i'd go back and read the whole series in order, so now i'm finally getting around to it. to be frank with you i haven't picked up a book since july, which is just an absolutely abysmal thing for a writer to admit to. but my return to working on rose novel has been going poorly with nothing to read, so this should help me along. i'm really excited to return to the rich, dense character relationships and frank depictions of abuse in these novels. should definitely help with rose novel. the book is projected to arrive friday. huzzah! i will attempt to get through it the first time this weekend.
also man it was.......... so fucking cold today. i can't express to you how cold it was today. and how bad waiting for the bus sucked. i literally can't wait until i have a car.
i cracked open a can of hard seltzer and i need to do my signature for a psychiatric paperwork thing but i'm DRUNK ALREADY UGHHGHGGUHBHDFHFDJHD i'm not even faking that's the thing i'm a giant lightweight cause of the meds i'm on for my brain disorders (mento iwness ❤️) i get drunk off one drink it's laughabl. patheti
dog i miss tumblr every fucking day
mood: hyped up
i literally come home from work so goddamn fuck exhausted every damn night. no matter how the day was. i want to just crawl straight into bed and sleep right at 8pm without eating dinner or showering or anything. sometimes i do. is this mental illness or just capitalism?
but i've been working on rose novel, sort of, so that's good.
texted s a little bit today. i love s. genuinely such a unique & radiant soul.
listening to: noise cancellation headphones
oh one warm summer night i'll hear fireworks outside and i'll listen to the memories as they cry cry cry
mood: nostalgic for a past life
smacks on the ass really do hit different huh
YIPPEE!! I WASHED MY FACE THIS MORNING!!!
wow!!! and even applied moisturizer!! might not be a victory for you but it was a big victory for me. i have skincare products that ive chosen over time and i constantly struggle with keeping my routine up twice a day. with the depression it's been even worse and i've gone days without washing my face (or... showering... yuck). i had a thinking thought today, it was: a routine is something you put effort into, every single time. i was laboring under the delusion before that if i "got into a routine" with my skincare, it would become so easy i wouldn’t have to put any effort into it. actually, i think, routines are never just routine. they require you to put effort into every single step every single time, and always will! and that is okay!!!
also i am having groceries delivered tomorrow and therapy and baking cookies this weekend!!! trying 2 chase away the blues with baking.
the cold, dark part of the year is here. darkness transforms this city. i mean the immaculate cube of darkness that settles over this city at around 5:15:00 pm est every day and engulfs our landscape like a cat's soft body settling down over something textured and warm.
in the dark, a bus becomes a lighted moving house. every night, i stand by the sign where the bus stops, the only person waiting there on an unlit road lined with trees. every night, the bus stops for me. glowing words and sixteen or seventeen bright rectangles of light. the doors open, i step into its warmth and light, i greet the bus driver behind the plastic curtain, i pay my fare. i have a seat. i am inside of the tiny brilliant warm house that moves through the city at night. i see the lights from inside.
update: DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY HAVE A PERSONALITY OR ARE WE ALL JUST FAKING IT??????? HOW DO I WRITE ABOUT MY EVERYDAY LIFE IN A WAY THAT IS OPEN TO THE BEAUTY OF REALITY WITHOUT COMING OFF AS A PRETENTIOUS TURD??????? questions i have now as an adult. please help me. i am so depressed i can't make dinner but i need to
update 2: OH SURPRISE BITCH I DID IT!!!!!!!!! i mean i microwaved some frozen chicken tenders and called it a fuckin day but thats food right babey?? now i just need to either find the energy to shower tonight or wake up early enough to shower tomorrow. oh and ill have to get my laundry from downstairs tomorrow morning... its still in the drier. dont worry, we all know im going STRAIGHT to bed after eating this, like i do at 8 pm every night these days. how am i too depressed to take care of myself but have the energy to type this lmao
am i essentially a self-centered, narcissistic person? i've been thinking about the death of c's grandmother and how soon after i got pulled into the vortex of my own emotions over things that didn't really matter at all. in an attempt to be completely fair to myself, i was checking in on c every day, making sure he was okay, and every time, he told me that he was fine, repeated the line about having lost her years ago, said it wasn't affecting him. was he just putting on an act because of how upset i was? if i take what he says at face value his behavior all makes sense, but if i pry deeper it seems like something's wrong. but that's how i've felt our entire relationship; this feeling like peeling at the very edge of a scab, the moment it leaves contact with the damaged skin, like something's already started slipping, something i partially but didn't fully recognize, and soon he'll be leaving me.
i still don't know why someone as good as c is dating someone like me in the first place.
my head literally feels like its about to implode though lol
update: hi. i am honestly mad as hell because i can't find my headphones. i have searched my entire room for them and i cannot find them. i do not know where i had them last. if i lost them outside of my house where i can't get them i will be very upset. honestly this makes me angry because i just spent money on these new headphones and they have already gone missing. apple headphones are expensive as shit. i need my headphones to listen to music and videos on the bus and at work to calm down and i need to calm down as much as i can lately. i also need them to do my magic pacing. so anyway i really hope i find my headphones because i can't find them and it's annoying.
update 2: SOCK GON. GON WITH SOCKS. SOCK GON. GON WITH THE SOCKS ON HIM.
update 3 wow: maybe i will watch jojos bizarre adventure and finish my first aid course for work and take a shower and wear dirty clothes to work tomorrow and i will feel better
i'm okay, but why does it keep hurting? it's more bearable, why has it kept hurting this whole time?
i'm okay! doing better.
caught in terrible squall on the way home. soaked to my bones.
might be updating here less to focus on rose novel.
this is a photograph of a pie i baked with c and p last saturday. i made the design of the crust on top. we picked the apples ourselves, all three of us, at this cute little farm that p wanted me to go to, so that i can experience new england apple picking. i am loved.
gonna go do laundry and take a shower while my laundry gets done.
it's getting dark earlier. honestly? it's kind of nice.
sheer, unrelenting pain. realized b blocked me on discord this morning, made plan to kill myself. plan: after work, stop at rite aid on walk home, buy five packs of benadryl, take home, consume. c talked me down. im such a burden on him.
i called my psychiatrist. now to get drunk and forget about it.
and yes, i realize i'm being ridiculous. but the resentment that i sensed for almost a year was real. it wasn't my paranoia. it was real.
and i wasn't loved.
i can't figure out the bic lighter i bought for this stupid candle. this is so dumb. i can never figure out lighters.
mood: literally without exaggeration wish i was dead
listening to: 100 gecs - i fuck it up (unreleased)
it rained this morning!
my keys have disappeared. spending the night at c's again. had resurgences of the bad feeling in fits and squalls. i am viciously pro-candy corn.
c's grandmother passed away in her sleep last night. i got the text from c this morning, didn't see it until my lunch break.
before c picked me up from work, i was having worried thoughts. i worried i wouldn't be supportive enough. the last time grief happened to one of my partners, i failed them. i was young.
but i think i'm doing okay. when he picked me up from work, i somehow acted in a way that surprised myself, like i do sometimes.
in the car, c said his grandmother had had dementia for twelve years, and any mourning he'd done for her, he'd done a long time ago. i remembered a story his father told about electric shock therapy, about seeing people on fire. c said he was doing okay. but that it might all hit him at once. i'm staying over at his house, again, tonight (his dad isn't here) to be with him. after my driver's ed class we're going to go to a local ice cream place. i want to spend the night doing whatever he wants to do.
i don't know if i've ever truly mourned. i've never had a close relative die, because my grandparents and great-grandparents live so far away and i hardly saw them growing up. when my childhood dogs died, slowly, one two years after the other, i was certainly sad the day they were put to sleep, but i don't think i was depressed for too long afterward, or even cried. but, years ago now, when my ex-partner and my old close-knit group of friends cut me out of their life, i was devastated by the loss; i cried for hours every day for days. i thought i was going to die. i still miss them. i still dream about them. i "mourned" them.
looking back on that last paragraph, i think i would agree that it seems there is something very serious wrong with me. but if you met me i don't think you'd think the same thing. it's difficult to explain. i guess i can say at least i'm telling the truth.
when we went out on the playground today, the field was covered in yellow leaves and pine needles. it looked like fall, so perfectly like fall, with the fence and the trees blocking off the edges of the playground like a picture of fall in a snowglobe- but it was so incredibly warm and humid.
here comes the manic depression. i had a bad day today, maybe the worst. felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. thought about beating my own face to a pulp. i can't go on like this.
i'm at c's house now. he took care of me. he helped me clean my room and took me to his house. i'm in his basement now, actually.
c is the only person who can take care of me.
i texted my dad yesterday because it was his birthday. i called him, but he didn't answer. he still hasn't texted me back at all.
everything is temporary.
i drew pictures on the computer all day.